I Finally Feel The Pain
by Lisagalladriel
Summary: Dean decided to go to college with Sam instead of keeping the family business. Now that he has more time to focus on himself, he isn't sure he likes what he sees. Warning! Triggering Subjects!
1. Chapter 1

This is my first published story, so criticism is appreciated! Rated M for: Language, Triggering Topics (Bulimia, Anorexia, Cutting), Sexual Content, and Violence.

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><p>Setting: Dean decided to go to college with Sam instead of keeping the family business. Now that he has more time to focus on himself, he isn't sure he likes what he sees.<p>

Sorry if Dean is out of Character! It's hard, but I will try to keep him very similar to the show.

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><p>Also, Sorry the First Chapter is really small, but I promise to keep writing. Even if I only get one review. And the next chapter is HUGE, so don't worry!<p>

One more thing! When it says (_Dean:_) or (_Sam:_) or any other characters names with a colon after it, its from the persons point of view.

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><p><em>Dean:<em>

Dean leaned over the toilet. He rested his right arm on the toilet and felt it finally coming. He was almost done. Or at least he thought. He never really knew. His head jerked forward, as what Dean thought was his pie, coming up his throat and going down the drain. He took one moment to look at it. He flushed the toilet. "Just a couple more times..." he thought as he put three fingers down his throat. He gagged, and when nothing came up, he tried again.  
>It worked. But when Dean heard the apartment door open, he panicked.<br>"Why was Sam home? Wasn't he supposed to be in class?" It was too late, he already gagged, and it was coming.  
>He quickly took his hand out of his mouth, and put it on the toilet.<p>

_Sam:_

"Dean?" Sam dropped his backpack on the couch and headed towards Dean's room. "Are you ok?"  
>Sam opened Dean's room door to find it empty and the bathroom door ajar. He walked over to the bathroom door and opened it.<br>"Yeah, I'm fine." Dean replied as he flushed the toilet. "I went to that diner down the street to eat, and apparently it didn't settle well." He said as he got up from his position of leaning over the toilet. Dean was wearing his usual outfit of dark blue Jeans, a black sleeveless shirt, and a dark green button up. Sam noticed the right sleeve was rolled up, but didn't say anything.  
>"Why are you back from school so early? I thought you had another class?" Dean sat on the edge of the tub.<br>"Oh yeah, the teacher rescheduled." Sam replied. He could tell something was wrong, but Dean was a hard man to read. Dean's eyes watered.  
>"Are you sure you are okay?" Sam whispered.<br>"Yeah throwing up is pretty painful. My throat is aching." Sam could hear the quivers and scratchiness of Dean's voice. "I think I'm done though."  
>"Okay." was all Sam could think to say. He walked out to the living room and turned on the TV. Something just felt wrong.<p>

_Dean:_

"Damn it!" Dean whispered. Sam can't know about this. "Why did you have to eat that fucking pie, Dean? Cause it tasted good? Well, you almost risked Sam finding out, you failure." Dean thought to himself. Dean hated the fact he lied to Sam. Ever since Dean was little, he had to take care of Sam. Sam can't find out. What would you think if someone you had looked up to for their entire life is making himself throw up and harming himself on purpose?  
>Dean picked up the bathroom and looked at the toilet. It's amazing Sam never noticed how stained the toilet was. Dean had this habit, that whenever he threw up, he'd look in the mirror for a couple seconds afterwards. Just staring at himself. Never purposely doing it, just doing it. He looked at himself, and usually just felt disappointed in himself. For some reason he felt tired. Like there was no point. Dean couldn't stand to look at himself any longer. He grabbed a glass of water in the kitchen for his throat. Passing Sam almost asleep on the couch, Dean put the glass on his nightstand and went to bed.<p> 


	2. Just the Beginning with Bad Memories

Dean woke up at 6:00 in the morning. He needed to go work out. Dean grabbed keys from the counter in the kitchen. He tried to pick them up, quietly for Sam. Sam stayed up studying all night, so Dean knew he would be exhausted. He walked out their apartment. They could have used the college dorm, but it was extremely expensive, and the apartment was cheaper anyway. Not like he'd tell Sam the reason why.

Dean left the building and walked to his car. A '67 Chevy impala. A beauty that his dad got him for his 18th birthday. He unlocked the door and lowered himself in the driver's seat. This car was (despite having an apartment), Dean's home. Dean and Sam lived in this car for years when his dad disappeared a couple years ago, until Sam graduated so they could both go to college. Dean couldn't leave him alone and go to college as soon as he graduated. Not only did Sam have no family (their mother died shortly after he was born), but he had no friends. He was kind of awkward looking, and extremely smart, getting A's in every grade. He even got a scholarship to our college. Dean decided that he could get a job and they could rent hotels, sleep in his car, or maybe spend the night with one of dean's friends. Dean just couldn't leave Sam, especially because of how often Sam got bullied.

Sam wasn't necessarily weak, but he had the morals of a preacher which made him only stand up for himself when he felt he was in real danger. Dean tried to tell him that it'd only get worse but his brother just shook it off.

Dean thought of the scars all the jerks from school left on his baby brothers body. He dropped an unknowing tear thinking about a night when his brother coming home limping, both eyes bruised, and blood all of his clothes. Dean took him to the hospital to find out he had a broken rib. Sam said it was most of the football team that dragged him to an abandoned street and beat him to a pulp.  
>Breaking a rib is nothing compared to what Dean did to them. He warned them what would happen if they tried.<p>

Flashback.  
><em>"Hurt my brother and you will regret it." Dean warned, looking the group of infamous football bullies straight in the eyes in school hallway. It was Dean's ending senior year, and Sam's ending freshman year.<em>_  
><em>_The group of husky football players snickered. Dean was the linebacker for the school football team, which should have gave him some authority in the situation, but they must have thought that since dean was going to be graduating that year, that he would be gone after that.__  
><em>_Boy were they mistaken.__  
><em>~  
>Dean drove to the gym down the block. He went to the desk and showed his membership card to the girl that worked there. He stepped on the treadmill to warm up. 10 minutes. 5% uphill. Setting: medium. Dean didn't like watching TV in the gym so he turned on his iPod. Dean had no idea what his taste in music is anymore. He loved the old rock, now he was going towards modern music. He actually turned on his radio and tuned it to a top 40 station. And liked it.<p>

He was almost done with the treadmill. He moved to the weights. He spent an hour physically pushing himself. Dean could feel the sweat on his forehead, rolling down his back, and his armpits were soaked. Every bone and muscle was sore and he loved it.

He took a shower in the gym shower. He specifically chose this gym and paid for this expensive gym with his own money because it has separate showers for guys. No giant room where everyone saw each other naked. Dean took off his shirt. He couldn't help but poke at himself. Even though he had a six-pack, Dean couldn't not notice the fat that extended from his stomach. Dean sighed and proceeded to take off the rest of his clothes. He turned the shower on warm, and stepped in.

Dean was leaning against the shower wall when he felt his head start throbbing. "Not now!" Dean yelled. He held his head in pain. But it was too late. It was already happening.

_Dean held a bat. The same bloody bat they used on his brother. Anger rushed through him. He had blood on his hands. He squeezed the bat tighter to feel it go in between his fingers. In front of him was two scared bullies who finally got what was coming to them. He could hear the police cars coming. Somebody must have heard the screams._

_"Look, we didn't think he would get that hurt..." the burly one pleaded. Dean had to finish this quick. No pity was taken._

_That night, Dean made sure no one ever touched Sam again. Ever._

Dean looked up from his cowering position in the shower. He hated when he had painful flashbacks. He turned off the shower and got dressed quickly. He looked at his cell phone for the time. 7:40? Damn. He only had 20 minutes left...guess there's no time for breakfast.

Dean headed towards class, with an empty but pleasant stomach sensation. Not really knowing why he enjoyed it so much.


End file.
